Amazon Surf Shop. Prepare To Rip Professional Like!

Itching to get out there and shred it up but your local surf shop is closed during the quarantine? Have no fear! Amazon Surf Shop is here! 

As you know, you can get almost anything online at Amazon.com. Ok, let's be honest. You can get ANYTHING on Amazon. When I can, I like to support local retailers, in particular surf shops. But there's some things you can't just get at a mom and pop surf shop. Like these gems I came across on Amazon...

Bars of wax are a dime a dozen at surf shops (actually, more like $12 a dozen), but thanks to our friends at the Amazon Surf Shop, this wax is good for:

❤ Great Effect (what the hell does that mean?): First traction added wax that broke away from the paraffin based waxes (I don't like to use the word 'broke' when I talk about surfboards).

❤ Easy to Apply: The wax is long lasting and easy to apply formula ('cause regular wax is such a pain to put on)

❤ Friction Increase (don't even go there): The wax can effectively increase the friction between the human body and the board (now I know what my problem was before). The anti-skid effect is obvious and stable (where do I even start with this one). It is more stable to stand on the board (I'm pretty sure that has to do with the size of the board and not your wax). It is easier to sit upright when sitting on the surfboard (I'm pretty sure this has to do with your balance and not the wax) and it is easy to grab the surfboard when dropped in the water (now I know for sure they have no idea what surf wax is)

❤ Product Composition: The wax includes Paraffin, plasticizer, tackifier, anti-slip agent, sunscreen, essence (now I DEFINITELY know for sure they don't have an idea what wax is. Rule #1- combining sunscreen and wax makes you slip. My grandma even knows that).

❤ Storage Way: The product should be stored below 40 ° C to prevent high temperature, moisture and compression  (just say "Store in a cool place so it doesn't melt. Got it?")

This next product needs no introduction. They're Future Fins. Wait, I think they're Future fins. But they have 2 tabs like the original FCS fins. I'm confused. Maybe the description they give us will help clear things up:

• Festnight 3PCS / 2PCS FCS Fins Surfboard Fin Thrusters Tir Fins Fiberglass Nylon Surf Fins GL/GX / M5 / G53 packs fins for center, left and right. (actually, that just made things more confusing. And why is the company called 'Festnight'. I'm pretty sure that's the name of a horror movie.
• Fit to any surfboard, shortboard, funboard or longboard that uses FCS style fins. (then why did you call them Future Tri Fins again?)
• Class filled nylon makes the fin strong and tough. (If you say so)
• Material: Nylon. (You already said that)
• Unit weight: 40-65g / 1.4-2.3oz. (Damn. If was looking for fins in the 1.2-2.1 oz range). 

Ok, that last product really threw me for a loop but I think we're back on track now: Creatures of Leisure. I use their stuff. Legit company. Whew! Amazon Surf Shop was starting to scare me there. On second thought, I think I saw that packaging like 10 years ago. And didn't Freddy P. retire from the tour a few years back? Maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, here's the surf leash description in case you're interested: 

Creatures of Leisure Surf Leash Products are stacked with features for the surfer (ok, now we're back to square one. "Stacked with features for the surfer"? So if I'm a farmer I can't use this)? Designed and Manufactured with the highest-grade Bayer urethane for maximum tensile strength (Pretty sure Bayer makes aspirin but whatever), the double bearing swivel for ultimate performance and tangle free. Overmold connection protects the swivel and strengthens the bond between urethane and cuff. The Creatures of Leisure leashes have the patented bearing swivel system, which ensures the leash swivels have a super smooth action. (Way too much information for me). They also lubricate themselves as they spin; the stainless steel construction makes them resistant to corrosion (don't BS me). Creatures of Leisure bearing swivel leashes- patent pending (in what country?), you choose the leash size to suit your style and the wave size at the location (so that's how it works...). Assorted Colors... Note: To maintain our discounted selling prices our warehouse is automated to supply by random color selection, if you have a preference please advise color and alternate choices. We will do our best to accommodate your selection. (So you're saying the robot that pulls these in your automated supply will do it's best to accommodate my selection? Good. I feel confident I'll get what I ordered.

Thanks to Tom Curren (greatest surfer that ever lived says I) and the Fireball Fish in Indo, it's now cool to ride anything (take my word for it here: https://northcountysurf.blogspot.com/2020/04/boardz-n-hood-episode-6-think-different.html). But even before that, George Greenough rode surf mats and blew minds with his speed and filming techniques for the Innermost Limits of Pure Fun. So I think it's time I gave surf mats a try. And as the photo above proves, "Living for surfing". That's me. Here's the description:

• CapsA Inflatable Pool Floats for Adults Giant Floaties for Adults Huge Pool Floats Surfboard Pool Float Inflatable Floating Lounge Swim Pool Beach Chair Float Lounger Raft Water Bed (That's a mouthful).

(Just a heads up- not sure what the purpose of the hearts and airplanes are in their descriptions...)

• 💕 ✈ SO MUCH FUN IN THE POOL - These giant floaties for adults bring so much fun for the whole family! You can catch some sun floating around in these inflatable pool floats for adults funny (they are correct about 'funny'- I'm already laughing) and very durable kids pool floats for all your jumping family (my family doesn't jump but I'll guess we'll start with these). Enjoy your outdoor in or above ground pool in style with these pool inflatables for adults and kids. Not to mention how cool this unique huge pool floats would look in a summer party (Cool or not cool? I'm guessing... not cool).
• 💕 ✈WILL BE A HUGE HIT FOR ANY PARTY OR POOL product for a lake and or pool. This water floats adult offer great pool comfort and it’s not hard to get on and stay on it. All of the big pool floats are sized for one person. Do not leave children unattended using these fun pool floats as this is not a life saving device. Use the pool floatie only under competent adult supervision (Will this thing attack you? Not sure why all the warnings).
• 💕 ✈GREAT GIFT FOR YOUR FRIEND, SISTER OR DAUGHTER (How about people who aren't your friends, or maybe your brother, or your son?) if you are looking for a giant inflatable pool float, this good size UV fade resistant vinyl large pool float is the best gift and ideal companion (I'm sure your dog will have something to say about that) to take away this summer or use by the pool. Experience the highest quality and most wanted adult floatie of the summer (not sure it's the "most wanter" adult floatie of the summer. I mean, there's some really good ones out there).
• 💕 ✈Inflatable design which is super convenient to use and carry with (Ok, something I finally agree with)
• 💕 ✈MULTI-USE: The perfect floating hammock (wait- am I buying a hammock or a floatie?) for relaxing and socializing with friends, this spring float is ideal for floating at the lake or in the pool!

And on that note, there is not one mention of using it in the surf, even though the photo shows otherwise...

No description for this tail pad. The picture says it all. In all honesty, after 36 years of surfing, I'm hoping my tail pad makes me surf like Dane Reynolds, not this kid. 

Ok, so I get it, some guys have to wear these under their boardies to prevent chaffing down by, you know. Anyway... no one likes a rash. But the odd thing is, check out the search key words they use so this company hopes you stumble upon these "Doad Wetsuit & Surfing Fast-Drying Mens Shorts Swimming Trunks Beach Stripy Print Surfboard Short Suits":

(And again, don't know what's up with the crowns below or the hearts/airplanes above)

• ♛Imported ('cause the American ones must suck)
• ♛faster drying closure (don't see any type of closure on these)
• ♛Special polishing treatment, feel like peach skin (go ahead- I'll let you take that one)
• ♛Soft, light and 100% new quality (I wonder if they have any that are cheaper because they're like 82% new quality- I want to see those just to compare)
• ♛Crop Tank Top Full Cup Sport Bra Vest Sleeveless (huh?)
• ♛(Ok, deep breath.... HERE WE GO!) Womens swimwear clearance colombia columbia dc (um, yeah, pretty sure Danny Way doesn't own a pair) deadpool (maybe Ryan Reynolds does though) designer diesel dinosaur dirty disney dog (lost me there) drawstring ducks eagles (again, you lost me) elastic waist waistband european extended size extra long small flames (don't see any flames) flamingo (or flamingos for that matter) floral print for fat people (seriously, they just said 'fat people'?!) laps fox racing fun funny galaxy (out of this world? Maybe?) gold graphic gray leaf guns (tank tops are for the gun show, not these) guy harvey hawaii boss hunting hurley (maybe the new Hurley owners, but not my boy Bob Hurley) husky crew jamaica jammers jordan (ever seen a photo of Michael Jordan rocking these? Didn't think so) surf khaki kiss band (ok- maybe Gene Simmons) length lap swimming legendary whitetails lightweight lined liner no mesh loose fit marijuana (now they're just making stuff up at this point) joker (I've run out of things to say)  quick silver (I've heard of Quiksilver- but Quick Silver? Must be new to the surf game) hybrid cargo training mesh lining video game (I guess you can surf all day in these then play Fortnite later?) khaki retro north face vans jammer hawaiian print large floral armour sizes dry no extra briefs cactus (I give up) usa triathlon boss funny extended octopus pink vintage in clearance penguin pockets (calling BS on the pockets AND the fast drying closure) eagle camouflage lifeguard size rash guard sets elves (what do these have to do with Xmas?!) gold plaid patriotic (pretty sure these aren't going to make America great again)

And last but not least, what's a surf shop without surfboards? And who doesn't need just one more board stuffed into their garage (that would be me as evident here). So anyway, this thing looks pretty sick. I think I saw John John riding this at Haleiwa (or was it Farmer John at the sausage factory? Or Long John Silvers at the mall?) Anyway, that's beside the point, I'm sure it's going to help me get on tour. Why? I'll let the manufacturer explain:

• Taking this surfboard out in the waves will be very enjoyable! (that's the plan!) The main body of the surfboard is made of soft XPE (never heard of it), which allows for great shock absorption (thank goodness 'cause it hurts when I fall on my board all the time) and has a high density that provides good buoyancy for beginners .
• The lightweight EPS foam core (just like Slater Designs) adds to the rigidity and strength of the whole surfboard. The slick bottom ensures you glide on the water smoothly (like a pelican).
• A set of three thruster fins made of sturdy plastic give the rider plenty of control on the wave; a high-quality ankle leash is included to connect you to the board so you do not lose it after a wipe out (who says I'm going to wipeout? Now you're insulting me).
• With this complete set, you are ready to ride the waves! (or look good in the parking lot).

And there you have it. Everything you could possibly need to surf, all here at the Amazon Surf Shop! In all seriousness, make sure to support your local surf shop during this pandemic. Without them, surfing isn't the same.